I was meditating recently, and I realized there is so much in my life that I am at peace with.
There are things I still want to change, things I’m working toward, and things I’m still figuring out. But when I look at the different areas of my life, there is a level of contentment that I haven’t always had.
And still, there is a void.
I know what it is.
It’s my relationship with God.
My time with God. Studying the Bible. Growing in my knowledge of Him. Having the Word in me. Praying consistently. Making God a real part of my everyday life again.
I know I need more God.
For a long time, church helped create the structure for that relationship. I would go to church, receive the Word, and then dive deeper on my own time.
I haven’t felt deeply connected to a church in a while, and I think I’ve been waiting to feel that same level of connection again.
But I’m also realizing that the relationship I want with God is going to require something from me.
I have to make room for Him.
I have to pray.
I have to study.
I have to get up and go to church.
I have to intentionally put God back into my routines instead of waiting until I feel spiritually inspired to do it.
And while I’ve been thinking about all of this, another question came up:
What kind of relationship do I even want with God in this season?
God has been so many things to me.
Provider.
Protector.
Defender.
He has carried me through seasons when I genuinely did not know how I was going to make it through.
A lot of my relationship with God was developed in survival.
I knew how to need God.
I knew how to call on Him when I was afraid.
I knew how to pray when something was falling apart.
I knew how to ask Him to provide, protect, defend, guide, and make a way.
But life is different now.
I’m not constantly asking God to help me survive.
And I don’t think I have fully reimagined what our relationship looks like when survival is no longer at the center of it.
It reminds me of my relationship with my dad.
I know he is my father. I know he loves me. I know our relationship is there.
But I’m grown now.
I can get caught up living my life, handling my responsibilities, building things, and doing what adults do. I don’t always stop and nurture the relationship simply because the relationship itself matters.
And I wonder if I’ve been doing something similar with God.
I know He is my Father.
I know He is there.
I know what He has done for me.
But knowing that God is there and intentionally being in relationship with God are two different things.
Maybe that is the transition I’m experiencing.
I learned how to have a relationship with God while I was surviving.
Now I want to learn how to have a relationship with God while I’m living.
I want God involved in what I’m creating.
I want Him involved in my purpose.
I want Him to help me understand what He has placed inside of me and how I’m supposed to use it.
I even want Him involved in how I show up online. I want Him to help me reveal the parts of myself that people need to see, trust, lean into, and learn from. I want the right people to find me, but I also want to make sure I’m becoming and revealing the person God actually created me to be.
And beyond what God can do for me, I want to know Him.
That part feels important.
Because maybe the next level of my relationship with God isn’t about needing Him to fix another crisis.
Maybe it’s about developing intimacy with Him when everything isn’t falling apart.
I know how to find God in survival.
Now I want to know Him in peace.
I don’t completely know what that relationship looks like yet.
But I think that’s the question I’m taking into this season:
God, who are You to me when I’m no longer just trying to survive?